Bucket List Items 1 and 2: Steak and Badminton

The title is pretty much self explanatory. Although part of me feels like I should clarify they were not done together. Heart burn's a bitch. 

So Item Number 1: Join a club.

I struggle with loneliness. Unfortunately the whole anxiety thing is to blame for that. I lost a lot of friends when the mental health hit the fan. Partly my fault, I do admit, as I started to isolate myself. I thought it was easier for everyone; I didn't want to inflict what I was going through on others. But unfortunately, and again, also partly, people didn't understand. Or chose not to, for whatever reason. Lets say the last time we talked was graduation. 

But it has been 4 years since then and I haven't done much, as we know. Any friends I had at home have moved on. Some I do see occasionally, some not at all, but I suppose that it life, and I can't blame them for that.

I am friendly with people, but I have always sucked at making friends. Then a few other things happened in the last 4 years which took my focus and most of my energy. But when I come home from work I do the same thing. Watch TV, have food, maybe play on the PC, and go to bed. Obviously I have my before mentioned boyfriend - who is lovely by the way. But we know its not healthy for our relationship to be in each other's pockets constantly. 

However when left to entertain myself I am left to my thoughts. Hence the loneliness. After a tearful phone call with the mother, I decided enough was enough. I had been stuck in a vicious cycle; anxiety made me withdraw from the world, and it also made it seem like a scary place. The idea of meeting new people, trying new things is TERRIFYING. 

But it was time to say fuck it. So I got my phone and downloaded the Meetup App. Pretty much does what it says on the tin. You sign up and put in your location and it comes up with loads of different groups. Some specific, like a sports or ramblers group, but others a bit more vague. I joined a group for those around my age and looked through the different events planned. And I found a badminton evening.

I spent ages looking through the list of people going. Firstly, to see if anyone going was someone I knew. But before long I was trying to ascertain what people were like from their photo. They seemed nice, very smiley, but I knew that wasn't enough to go on.

The badminton was being held at a local leisure centre. I spent ages choosing what to wear, which was really silly as within seconds of playing I knew I would be bright red in the face, and my hair would have a mind of its own.

I was also conscious of my body - I'm the heaviest I have ever been which is a real downer, so I was scared of standing out. And of clothes riding up in the wrong places. Hence the long, drawn out clothes choice. 

I booked a taxi 15 minutes before I needed to be there. And it didn't turn up. 5 minutes later I am frantically calling the company who told me it would be 2 minutes.

3 minutes and no taxi later I am resisting the thought that the universe is trying to tell me something, and the urge to run back into the flat and cocoon myself in my duvet. 17 minutes after the taxi was supposed to be there it finally turned up, without an apology from the grumpy taxi driver. Which, you know, was super helpful.

I panicked; the first thing I decided to do for myself and I was going to be late. 

Then I thought no, sod the universe!! I was not going back to the flat to do nothing. 

So I arrived at the leisure centre. After finding the courts I took a deep breath, made myself smile and walked through the door. 

Immediately this guy came over to me. 

'Meetup?' I asked tentatively?

'Raaaachael?' Just as unsure back. 

'Yes! Oh thank god. Yes that's me.'

And from there it was fine! I looked around the room and saw only 2 rather sporty people, but the rest were normal like me. I started chatting to this guy and within 2 minutes I had taken the piss out of him for something.

Banter is an amazing thing. 

There were about 13 of us all together and we switched on and off two courts playing doubles, in between chatting. The first guy I talked to even said it was really brave of me to come by myself.

'To be honest, I am absolutely terrified'.

'Oh, don't worry it. You're here! That's what matters.'

And it was. I did something! I left my boring safety net and took a jump into the real world. I even got a lift home from someone round the corner from me, and most people are really local. 

Badminton is not regular, unfortunately. Most of the meetups happen every 2 or 3 weeks. I've already booked myself into 3 more events though for the next month. So fingers crossed this works. Scary but exciting!

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Item Number 2: Cook a steak.

Now I know, its not the most exciting thing in the world, but its my list so I get to choose what goes on it. 

I'm not a really a steak person. I can't remember the last time I had one. I'd always go for a decent burger rather than a steak when out for a meal. 

But it was Valentine's Day and we were a bit short on money so decided to spend the evening in. We were actually both knackered on the day and ended up going to sleep early, so we had the meal the following Friday.

And dear god was it good. I was a bit worried, as I have never cooked one before. I tend to stay away from expensive meat if i don't trust myself to cook it properly. Ben and I cooked together and I even made a peppercorn sauce. Which in theory I was not sure of but in small amounts it works quite well. 

Ben loves steak so he was pretty happy about the choice. We misjudged how look it would take so his was cooked a little more than he would have liked. But it was edible which is always a good thing!

So that's 2 things off the list! Many more to come.

Bring it on.

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