Anxiety and Me

I joined a gym. Counting back it's probably Number 6?  Even though getting myself into better shape physically and mentally is a top priority in my Bucket List, I didn't really plan to do a long blog post - silly but I didn't want to jinx it!  Also someone said to me once sarcastically 'it doesn't count if it's not on social media'. At that time I had been Instagram-ming another attempt at a healthier diet. Since then posting about things knocked my confidence.  However I was doing it thinking it would keep me motivated. Although after a while I realised I was putting a lot of unecessary pressure on myself and decided to stop.  Aaaaaaaand things went to pot. For various reasons.  I weighed myself a couple of months ago and I was officially the heaviest I've ever been - by a very depressing long shot.  And I can feel it in my body I have put more weight on still.  So I have decided not to weigh myself. Or measure. No numbers, no overthin...

In fear of starting this post negatively, this won't be actually happening for a while :( But things are in motion!! Ben and I had a very grown up talk last week. We have already talked about our plans for the future but it's time to make some decisions.  When I first met Ben I told him I didn't want to stay in the hometown for the whole of my life. For one thing, I'm really scared of being stuck. As you may have read in my previous posts things haven't gone to plan. And I am terrified of not making the most out of life. And to make sure I do, where we live is a key point. Don't get me wrong, unlike a lot of people I know, I've actually enjoyed where I grew up. I lived in the same house from 18 months old to 22/23 years old. It was such a lovely, family home; lots of memories and I did have a bit of a sob when we drove away from it for the last time.  Before that sounds too dramatic, I moved 15 minutes up the road. Not quite Australia...

The title is pretty much self explanatory. Although part of me feels like I should clarify they were not done together. Heart burn's a bitch.  So Item Number 1: Join a club. I struggle with loneliness. Unfortunately the whole anxiety thing is to blame for that. I lost a lot of friends when the mental health hit the fan. Partly my fault, I do admit, as I started to isolate myself. I thought it was easier for everyone; I didn't want to inflict what I was going through on others. But unfortunately, and again, also partly, people didn't understand. Or chose not to, for whatever reason. Lets say the last time we talked was graduation.  But it has been 4 years since then and I haven't done much, as we know. Any friends I had at home have moved on. Some I do see occasionally, some not at all, but I suppose that it life, and I can't blame them for that. I am friendly with people, but I have always sucked at making friends. Then a few other things happened in ...